The Imbalance of the Self-Love Movement (Pt. 1)

At first I was excited to see the trend rising. “Women should stop putting themselves last in everything and realize they are worth taking care of too.” Finally a different message than what we women in some churches had been hearing for so long. But I soon realized the secular world had hijacked a Biblical concept and grossly distorted it. It quickly became a toxic message opposite of God’s original intent. It’s the message of Self-Love.

Let me explain.

For many long years I bought into the lie that it was a worthy calling to put everyone else and their needs above my own at all times. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even acknowledge that I had needs at all. Women can do anything and everything and look good doing it! Saying no is selfish. My observations confirmed these lies. I saw women working themselves to the bone to serve their families, their churches, their communities. “Bleeding themselves dry” to put others first and handle all the responsibilities on their plates (put there by others AND taken upon themselves). I assumed that’s what I, as a good Christian woman, hopefully one day a wife and mother, was supposed to do as well. I didn’t know how to love myself at all! With my lie-based perspective I didn’t think I deserved to be loved, much less to love myself.

There is a true Biblical call for Believers to lay down our lives for others, give selflessly, and put others first. And living sacrificially is a beautiful thing when done rightly. Here is where an accurate understanding of God’s heart for me is needed. But my imbalanced thinking elevated others above myself and led me to some very unhealthy practices that ultimately resulted in extreme burnout and resentment toward the people I was serving.

LIE: Others are superior to self in every way.

On the other hand, what the world promotes as self-love takes it to the other extreme where self becomes a “god.” The statements, “you do you,” “live your best life,” “follow your heart,” “live your own truth” and others like them promote the idea that you are SO worth loving you should do whatever you want, whatever it takes to be happy, even at the expense of others because you are the most important thing there is. Are your friends dragging you down? Ditch them. Is your family not supportive of the way you want to live? Disown them. Is your job giving you responsibilities you don’t feel like doing? Quit! Only be in environments and with people who “love” you the ways you want to be loved and elevate you to the standard you desire.

LIE: You are superior to all others and your happiness is all that matters.

Is there a balance to these two extremes of “self is everything” or “self is nothing?” I do think that Christian women often slip into the “self is nothing” extreme category because we are nurturers, carers, and fixers and we want to obey God’s Word. But there should be room for self-care and taking time to be restored in the midst of living sacrificially so you can pour out of fullness instead of emptiness toward those around you. Afterall, God promised rest for ALL the weary, and deemed you and me worthy of dying for, so let’s not insult Him by disagreeing with His choice to decree that we have great worth and value. When we reach our limit in giving and finally crash/burnout the temptation can be to buy into the world’s lies and swing to other “self is everything” extreme.

How do we avoid this? For more check out part 2: Bringing Balance to the Self-Love Movement.